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A Midget in Texas went to the doctor
... ... because his
testicles ached almost all the time. The doctor told him to stand
on the examining table and drop his pants. The doc put one finger
under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and
cough (the usual method to check for a hernia). "Aha!" mumbled the
doc and putting his finger under the right testicle, he asked the
midget to turn and cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor and reached
for his surgical scissors.
Snip, snip, snip, snip on the
right side; snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, on the left
side.
The midget was so scared he was
afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not
hurt.
The doctor then told the midget
to get dressed and see if his testicles still ached.
The midget was absolutely
delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his
testicles were no longer aching.
The midget replied, "Perfect Doc,
and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?"
The doctor replied, "I cut two
inches off the top of your cowboy boots."
Submitted by Don,
Hagerstown, MD.
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A Australian golfer playing in
Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.
Looking for his ball, he found
a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and
the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water
bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving
him.
"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun
asked. "Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three
wishes, so whaddya want?"
"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer
answers in relief "I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're OK,
and I apologize. I really didn't mean to hit you." And the golfer
walks off.
What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to
himself. "But it was fair and square that he got me, and I have to
do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would
want...a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a
fantastic sex life."
A year goes by (as it does in stories like
this) and the Australian golfer is back. On the same hole, he
again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there
waiting for him.
"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,"
the little guys says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf
game?"
"My game is fantastic!" the golfer
answers. "In fact, that's the first bad ball I've hit in a year!
I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way,
it's good to see you're all right."
"Oh, I'm fine now, thankee. I did that fer
yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"
"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer
states. "I win fortunes in golf. If I need cash, I just reach in
my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know they were
there!"
"I did that fer ye also. And tell me,
how's yer sex life?"
The golfer blushes, turns his head away in
embarrassment, and says shyly, It's OK."
"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun,
"I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a day?"
Blushing even more, the golfer looks
around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."
"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock.
"That's all? Only once or twice a week?"
"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's
not bad for a priest in a small parish."
Submitted by Sr. Wink,
Younkers, NY
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An old farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully.
From morning till night
(and sometimes later), she was always complaining about
something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out
plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his
wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into
the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.
Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag,
nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out
with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head.
Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the
minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner
would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute,
then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner
approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his
head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister
decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke
to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and
agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed
with all the men.
The old farmer said: "Well, the women
would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked,
or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister
asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for
sale."
Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.
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August
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