You Might Be A
Redneck If ...
- Your standard of living improves
when you go camping.
- Your prenuptial agreement
mentions chickens.
- You have jacked up your home to
look for a dog.
- You have a relative living in
your garage.
- Your neighbor asked to borrow a
quart of beer.
- There is a belch on your
answering machine greeting.
- You have rebuilt a carburetor
while sitting on the commode.
- None of the tires on your van are
the same size.
- You hold the hood of your car
with your head while you work on it.
- Your idea of getting lucky is
passing the emissions test.
- Your town put the new garbage
truck in the Christmas parade.
- Your local beauty salon also
fixes cars.
- Your doghouse and your living
room have the same shag carpet.
- You've ever slow danced in the
Waffle House.
- Starting your car involves
popping the hood.
- Your garbage man is confused
about what goes and what stays.
- You whistle at women in church.
- You actually wear shoes your dog
brought home.
- You've been in a fistfight at a
yard sale.
- You carry a fly swatter in the
front seat of the car so you can reach the kids in the
back seat.
- You think people who have cell
phones and e-mail are uppity.
Submitted by Earl, Germantown,
Md. And least we forget
...
- The tires on your truck cost more
than the truck
Submitted
by Richard, Baltimore, MD.
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Sister's Jokes, emmitsburg.net
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A priest is walking down the
street one day when he notices a very small boy ...
... trying to press a doorbell
on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small
and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching
the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to
the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks
up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on
the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold
ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles
benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"
To which the boy replies, "Now we RUN!"
Submitted by Linn,
Hagerstown, Md.
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Two boys in Boston were
playing basketball when one of them was attacked by ...
...
a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly,
the other boy a ripped board off a near by fence, wedged it
into the dog's collar and twisted it, breaking the dog's
neck.
A newspaper reporter from the Boston
Herald witnessed the incident and rushed over to interview
the boy. The reporter began entering data into his laptop,
beginning with the headline: "Brave Young Celtics Fan Saves
Friend From Jaws Of Vicious Animal."
"But I'm not a Celtics fan, "the
little hero interjected. "Sorry," replied the reporter. "But
since we're in Boston, Mass, I just assumed you were."
Hitting the delete key, the reporter
began "John Kerry Fan rescues Friend From Horrific Dog
Attack."
"But I'm not a Kerry fan either,"
the boy responds.
The reporter says, "I assumed
everybody in this state was either for the Celtics or Kerry
or Kennedy."
"What team or person do you like? "
"I'm a Houston Rockets fan and I
really like George W. Bush" the boy says. Hitting the delete
key, the reporter begins again,
"Arrogant Little Conservative
Delinquent Kills Beloved Family Pet."
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport,
Md.
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April
5th Humor Page
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