I was thinking the other day ...
- How the status symbol of
today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't
afford one, so I'm wearing my garage door opener.
- You know, I spent a fortune on
deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
- I was thinking that women should put
pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
- I was thinking about old age and
decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but
you are just too tired to bounce it.
- I have gotten that dreaded furniture
disease ... that's when your chest is falling into your drawers.
- You know when people see a cat's litter
box, they always say, "Oh have you got a cat?" Just once I
wanted to say, "Nope. It's for company. Help yourself. Make
yourself comfy. Take your time."
- I thought about how mothers feed their
babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what
Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?
- Employment application blanks always
ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you
should write A Good Doctor... or 911!
- Why do they put pictures of criminals
up in the Post Office? What are you supposed to do, write to
these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage
stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the
mail?
- I was thinking about how people seem to
read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned
on me: they were cramming for their finals.
Submitted by
Bill, Narberth, Pa.
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Once there was a millionaire, who
collected live alligators.
He kept them in the pool in back of his
mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was
single.
One day he decides to throw a huge party,
and during the party he announces, "My dear guests...I have a
proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or
my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of
alligators and emerge unharmed!"
As soon as he finished his last word,
there was the sound of a large SPLASH!!
There was one guy in the pool swimming
with all he could...the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking.
Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed.
The millionaire was impressed. He said,
"My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be
done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain...which do you want,
my daughter or the one million dollars?"
The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your
money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who
pushed me in that WATER!!!
Submitted by
Debbie,
Middletown, Md.
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Paddy had been drinking at his
local Dublin pub all day and most of the night ...
...
celebrating Ireland's football victory. Mick,
the bartender, says "You'll not be drinking any more tonight,
Paddy"
Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on me way
then."
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps
off. He falls flat on his face.
"Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by
the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door
and falls flat on his face. "Shoite, Shoite!" He looks to the
doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door
and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and
shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and
takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a
step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face.
"Bi'Jesus... I'm tanked," he says. He can
see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and
shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He
takes a look up the stairs and says "No way!"
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom
door and says "If i can just make it to me bed." He takes a step
into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "to hell with
it" and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes
into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy.
Did you have a bit to drink last night?".
Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was tanked'
pissed. But how'd you know?"
"Mick called. You left y'wheelchair at the
pub."
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Life in America ... take
2
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Nov
28th Humor Page
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