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Ma and Pa were two
hillbillies. Pa discovered that the hole under the outhouse is
full.
So he went into the
house and tells Ma that he doesn't know what
to do to empty the hole.
Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the young'n
down the road? He must be smart 'cause he's a college gradjyate."
So Pa drives down to the neighbor's house and asks him, "Mr.
College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don't know what
to do to empty it."
The young'n tells him, "Get yourself two
sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long
fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the
same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the
air. While it's in the air the second one will then go off and
spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The
outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the
now-empty hole.."
Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the
hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a
short fuse and one with a long fuse.
He goes home and puts them under the
outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree.
All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of
the house and into the outhouse!
Off goes the first stick of dynamite ...
shooting the outhouse into the air.
BOOM! Off goes the second stick of
dynamite ... spreading poop all over the farm.
WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back
down atop the hole..... Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the
door and asks, "Ma, are you all right??!!"
As she pulls up her pants she says ...
"Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen
Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.
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Timmy was a little five year old
boy whose Mom loved him very much.
Being a worrier, she was
concerned about his walking to school when he started
Kindergarten. She walked with him the first few days, but he came
home one day telling her he did not want her walking him to school
every day. He wanted to be like "big boys." He protested so loudly
that she had to find another way to handle it.
She asked her neighbor Nancy if she would
surreptitiously follow her son to school at a distance, but close
enough to keep a watch on him. Nancy said that, since she was up
early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to
get some exercise so she agreed. The next school day, Nancy and
her little girl set out behind Timmy as he walked to school with
his friend Ronnie. This went on for a whole week. Timmy's friend
noticed that this same lady was following them every day. Finally
Ronnie asked Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us all
week? Do you know her?"
Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yea, I know
who she is."
Ronnie asked, "Well, who is she?"
"That's just Shirley Goodnest an' her
little girl Marcy," Timmy said.
Ronnie inquired further, "Well, why does
she follow us every day like that?"
"Well," Timmy explained, "every night
Momma makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers cuz she worries
about me so much. And in it, the prayer says, 'Shirley Goodnest
and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life.' So, I guess
I'll just have to get used to it."
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Some of your old favorites have re-released their greatest hits...
...with new lyrics to accommodate their
aging audience ... Take 2
- The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend A
Broken Hip"
- The Temptations - "Papa's Got A Kidney
Stone"
- Ringo Starr - "I Get By With A Little
Help From Depends"
- Marvin Gaye - "I Heard It Through The
Grape Nuts"
- Procol Harem - "A Whiter Shade Of Hair"
- ABBA - "Denture Queen"
- Roberta Flack - "The First Time I Ever
Forgot Your Face"
- Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Times
To The Bathroom"
- Rolling Stones - "You Can't Always Pee
When You Want! "
- Bobby Darin - "Splish, Splash, I Was
Havin' A Flash"
Some of your old favorites have re-released their greatest hits
... take 1
Submitted by John, Brookhaven, NY.
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August
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